Sunday, September 12, 2010

Where the HECK...

...Have I BEEN??

Here I am again, writing a blog entry explaining just where the heck I've been. Sadly to say, this time some pretty major things happened with the family.

August turned out to be one of the most busy and stressful months of my existence. It started out okay. I had three weeks before school started so I figured hmmm, I'll take these last three weeks and just write the hell outta my book. I'll sit by the pool with my cousins. I'll take long naps after work and just do what I wanna do, when I wanna do it.

Hah! That's exactly what life said to me. IN YOUR DREAMS!!!

My grandmother (who I lived next door to for a couple of years) had been a 5 year patient with COPD. Sadly, she lost that battle on August 27, 2010. She had been going downhill since April of 2009, when her husband of 51 years and my grandfather passed away. Her health really took a turn on August 17th when she asked to go to the hospital (which NEVER happens) so we knew something was definitely wrong.

Everyday after work I'd go up to the hospital and see her and my aunt until later at night when I forced myself to leave to get some form of rest before work the next morning. I was glad when the doctors said she could go home, even though that didn't necessarily mean she was "ok." They suggested Hospice to us and we looked into it and finally decided that was probably best. For the next few days at home, she seemed to be doing just fine. She was coherent, talkative, HUNGRY (which was new), and in somewhat good spirits. Things seemed to be getting back to as normal as they could have been.

And then randomly, about three days after she had been home, I come home and see that she is no longer conscious and alert. Her breathing was much more shallow and she just seemed to be gone, aside from her breathing and heart beat. Her health turned that quickly. The hospice nurse gave us a book to read, "Gone from My Sight" that laid out the stages of death. She informed us that we were in the "hours to days" stage with Mema.

She lingered about four days in that stage. We weren't sure what she was waiting on. I missed several days of work and finally decided it was probably best to go back. Nothing was changing and we honestly didn't know when the day would come that she would be reunited back with Pepa and Jesus. Friday morning, about 8:30, I got a call at work from my father letting me know she was gone. When the phone rang I just KNEW that it was a call about her.

Of course, we all knew her death was coming, but regardless of how well prepared we seemed to be, it still hurt so badly. That entire weekend is a blur to me, and thanks to my family coming together, we coped with it pretty well. That Monday after the funeral when everyone left is when it hit me the hardest.

My routine took an abrupt change. Every night I'd go next door and have supper with her. Now that is no longer the case. There is a huge gaping hole in my life where Mema once was. Now I'm going to have to find a way to fill that void before it drives me completely insane. I find a lot of comfort in knowing that she is up in heaven with Pepa, doing what she wants. Thinking about that as well as the wonderful memories made with them, it helps, but it's going to take me awhile to get over not seeing her everyday.

I'm also starting a new job tomorrow. It's a whole new schedule and I'll more than likely not be home much. I have class as well, so keeping myself busy is the only way I can think to help myself right now. It's those idle moments at home alone where I allow my mind to think too much about things. When I let my mind run wild, it can become dangerous.